Paramour
by Abarraine
Summary: She'd already paid the cost, and she wasn't sure if that included him, too.
1. Chapter 1

"Your girl got smashed in last night," remarked Juniper, before lowering herself onto the seat next to James, artfully grabbing for a treacle scone. She was vaguely aware of the disgruntled expression Potter wore, his features turned down as he tried to understand her desultory sentence. _Your girl got smashed in last night_, he narrowed his eyes, expression hard as he watched Juniper dunk her scone in her recently poured coffee.

"The hell?" James demanded, turning to face Juniper. She chuckled darkly, having expected such a reaction. What did she care? Once James worked out the ludicrousness of his actions, he'd be sure to understand that girls like _his_ weren't worth the time. Juniper shrugged off his response, intent on curing her headache. She hadn't had such a bad hangover in months, why today?

"She was being a bitch. It happens." Juniper finally responded. She knew what his response would be before she even uttered her statement. She expected him to over-react, to make a scene and demand an explanation; to protect _his girl_ from slander. Juni rolled her eyes as she felt him scowl down at her. "Quit over-reacting, Potter. It's really not worth it."

That set him off. She knew and yet she continued. His breathing with quick and shallow.

"You can't expect her to fit in. You can't expect that just because she's dating you, that's she's allowed to be here. That's not the way it works, Potter. And now she knows."

"Fuck, Juniper. What the hell are you on about?" He was so close to her, she felt tendrils shift as he breathed. He was cold, calculating and penetrating her with a glare she couldn't evade. Her back was straight and she maintained eating her breakfast as if they were dear friends, conversing about the weather. His knuckles were white as he clutched his own cup. She knew she'd gone too far, but fuck it, after last night, she could care less.

"Turns out that I don't really even love you at all." Juniper's voice was light and full of contempt. James' silence was worse than a reaction. It broke her heart. All she could comprehend at that moment was his lack of movement, lack of acknowledgement. He didn't protest, didn't throw his dishes. In fact, he seemed as though he knew this information. It was old news. Her anger exploded inside her like a sun bursting. Had she really meant so little to him? Wasn't she obliged to have it all? Her wealth and status demanded his attention. What game was he playing?

Before she could express these thoughts, demand explanation, James was gone. He'd climbed off the benched and walked away from her with crisp, quick steps. Juniper knew where his feet would lead him. She'd save her ammunition for her.

How else was she to get him back?

He was Juniper's, after all. _His girl's _time was about to end.

* * *

><p>Her bed was warm, almost too warm. Beads of sweat lay on her hairline, legs twisted in sheets and her arms sprawled over her head. The morning light was forcing its beams through the gaps in her blinds. Her breathing was low and steady as she stared at the ceiling above her, processing the last few hours. The silence kept her sane. A bead of sweat slid down her temple, its trail running over a swelling bruise on her face. Her eyes prickled.<p>

She refused to take her eyes off the ceiling. She knew what she'd see if she didn't train her eyes on that ridiculously small water spot above her. The only imperfection she had yet to find in her dormitory. That water spot, absurdly, was her sanctuary. Its imperfection demanding reality. She took a deep breath and her eyes fluttered shut. Her fingernails were chipped, a hand broken she was sure. It was swollen and ached something awful. If she glanced at her legs she'd see the bruises and scraps around her knees. And her arm, her arm had several deep blue fingerprint bruises.

She quickly opened her eyes, searching for the water spot. Finding it, she released her breath – she didn't know how long she'd held it, but the black spots in her vision warned her not to try it again. She remembered every single minute of last night. But she couldn't for the life of her process it.

She'd thought the stigma was finally gone. That her peers had finally welcomed her into their own. But that was not so. It had all been a façade. A folly on her part. She'd walked unaware of the devils surrounding her. And now she had to decide: was it all worth it?

Her body resolutely said "No". But her mind wavered. She knew that anywhere she went, she'd be successful. She'd have no problem getting into another school; after all, her scholarship here was paramount. Maybe that's why she was determined to succeed. To persevere, despite how sick she felt and her body protested. Graduating meant her whole world opened up. Once she had her degree, no one would ever know that she'd been a scholarship student ever again. And not only that, but her sister would never have to endure the ridicule she had. Just another year, she'd do it for her sister.

And her heart, it told her that life was too short to suffer so. The her selflessness would be the end of her. The water mark blurred as her vision glazed over with tears.

She'd been stupid last night. Stupid, vulnerable, brash and too prideful. But damn if she was going to let this happen again.

She heard the knock on her door, but didn't register its meaning. Her body was still as the sound repeated itself. Finally a muffled voice called to her through the aged oak and her brain shifted.

Her heart quickened slightly and her tears became steady. The water spot did not move and her heart sunk in her chest. She was fearful of that voice through the door. She feared that he might agree with the mob.

She'd already paid the cost, and she wasn't sure if that included him, too.

* * *

><p>new idea. comments?<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

The Scientist - Coldplay

* * *

><p>It was raining.<p>

The sun had given its last attempt at invading her room.

She was glad.

There was nothing better than the _tink tink _of raindrops on the window to renew her spirit.

* * *

><p>It must be raining. There'd been a series of shrieks as girls flew into the common room, drenched head to toe in their mini skirts. James knew this all first-hand from his spot on the floor outside her door. He didn't receive as many disgusted looks as he had foreseen, rather, the ladies seemed to enjoy his presence. He was disgusted.<p>

"Potter!" A shout from the common room captured his interest. "Potter, we got a situation!" James' scowl darkened as he made his way away from her room and toward his best friend. Glaring, he gave Sirius his attention.

"These great people" He smirked, "told me that there seemed to be a little trouble with Lily last night. Something about another man, drugs, alcohol and Jenna and Tal going raving mad and Lilo getting in the middle of–"

"Bullshit. That's bullshit. You have no idea what you're talking about Black, don't put words in my mouth." One of the girls in question, Tal, argued. She looked impeccable, as always, her black hair was pulled up into a rather audacious bump and her Sunday attire was casual, yet screaming of wealth. From her gold and diamond adorned ears and wrist to her Armani shoes. James had a hard time listening to her.

He released a sigh and refocused his glare on Tal. She took a mild step back before forcing her eyes to meet his. Her glare was almost as powerful. But nothing could compare to the dark cloud that loomed over James. The more he heard of last night's events, the more he wished Lily would just open the damn door.

"_She_ showed up and wasn't solo. They looked like they were their own party. She's a two-timing whore, James. We were sticking up for you! She's a -"

"I'd stop if I were you, Tallie." He'd heard enough. He wasn't about to believe some social climbing prig when he could talk to Lily directly.

Nothing could justify why Lily had yet to open her dorm door. That, alone, was enough to worry James. Lily was what he considered to be an inspiration. He knew her history – her struggles and her successes - they'd been good friends a lot longer than they'd been a couple.

She wasn't afraid of what people thought of her, especially the lot that kept company at this school. She'd explained it to him numerous times, because, he, growing up in the limelight, never knew anything but what others thought of him and his family. And his wealth. She said that you have to be comfortable with who you are. If you're always looking in the mirror, you might as well be looking behind you. You can't get anywhere that way. You have to speak your mind, when necessary. Don't be rude, but be truthful – there _is_ a huge difference. Be kind, always turn the other cheek to slander and crass remarks. And forgive. You must forgive if you want others to forgive you.

It was a lot of noble talk, and he couldn't say that Lily was completely noble, but she sure as hell was as close as he'd ever seen anyone get. She was nice; she helped everyone, from tutoring to simply lending an ear.

So, why wasn't she leaving her room? What had happened that she wouldn't even show her face in her own common room. A place so warm and friendly – he believed whole-headedly that they had forgotten her background. But now, there was tenseness to the air that disagreed with that very thought. Somehow, the paradigm they'd lived with for weeks was slipping to show a very ugly face.

"His name is Kerr. He's basically her brother. And if you're questioning whether I'm believing _her _or _you_, it's her, every time. Stay the fuck away from her." With that, James turned and headed back up the stairs, intent on being let into her room. This day was getting ridiculous.

He was at her door before he even registered his retreat out of the common room. He tried the doorknob and found it unlocked. This irked him more and his anger climbed. It hadn't been unlocked earlier and that bothered him; was she avoiding him? He turned the negative thoughts away, he knew she'd explain. He just believed she would. She had to.

* * *

><p>Lily heard the door open and her breathing stopped. Juniper had just left and she couldn't for the life of her imagine her returning anytime soon. Juni hadn't spoken one word, she didn't need too; her glare was enough.<p>

* * *

><p>James squinted into the room, it wasn't big, but he knew that Lily's bed was on the left side, tucked under the alcove by the big window. The window's blinds were drawn and he could hear the rain beating against the glass. He shut the door softly and treaded through the room. He sunk down on her bed, he could see Lily's silhouette and reached out to brush her hair. Her back was to him, but he just kicked his shoes off and slid next to her.<p>

"It's hot in here." He murmured, sliding his body up close to hers. She shifted close to him, allowing his hand to rest of her hip; the other continued to brush through her hair. He felt her body relax and smiled into her shoulder.

"The window opens…"

"It's raining."

After a space, "Its just water."

James withdrew his hands and shifted to open the window, the breeze that blew in was dotted with raindrops, but the chill was welcoming. He slid the blinds up higher on the window so the wind wouldn't beat against them. The light enveloped the room and slid across Lily's form, making her more than just a silhouette. He couldn't move. His eyes were glued to her…

"Fucking hell, Lil!" He sprung into action as the words Juniper had spoken earlier finally resonated in his head, _Your girl got smashed in last night_.

James was at her side, turning her head toward him, analyzing every inch of her face. Her green eyes were dull, yet oddly vibrant, surrounded by so much red. Her left temple was inflamed with a huge fist-sized bruise, as was her lower jaw. Her bottom lip was split and dried blood rested presumptuously on his favorite kissing ground.

His eyes drifted lower as he ran a hand gently through her hair. Her eyes never left his. She wanted to console him with a smile, but the action alone was enough to stop her.

"Its unequivocally certain that I do not belong here." She muttered as his hand ran along her neck and collarbone. It drifted along the bruises on her arm. He bit his lip as he met her eyes again.

"Don't you dare-" His voice cracked and he brought his head down to her chest. She grabbed his neck and twisted her good hand through his hair, hushing his chain of profanities.

"Shh, shh, it's alright Potter. Calm now, shh" And she was back. Lily sighed deeply into his shoulder and let him hug her until her heart beat again.

_I had to find you_

_Tell you I need ya_

_Tell you I set you apart_

_So tell me your secrets_

_Ask me your questions_

_Let's go back to the start._


	3. Chapter 3

Previously: James learns from an old friend of last night's 'affair'. Unaware of exactly what she's referring, he goes in search of Lily to prove the rumors. What he finds takes his breath away.

* * *

><p>It took James an unreasonable amount of time to convince Lily she needed medical help.<p>

"I'll shower, then do this bit of homework, then I'll head down to see Madam Pomfrey after dinner. Now hush up." Lily muttered, her face pressed deep into the crook of his neck. They'd been staring out the window together for the better part of an afternoon. Occasionally succumbing to sleep only to wake as the wind picked up and the raindrops came harder. Lily was situated in the arms of James, comfortable, warm and wholly away from the wrath and prejudice outside the thin, highly overrated wooden door.

She didn't let her mind wander far. She kept it locally to his body, pressed against hers. She'd taken him into her arms as he protested her injuries, anger etched deep into his features. His jaw was clenched and his eyes, before he hid them in her chest, his eyes were her undoing. How on earth two people could come together, make love and produce this boy seemed like a fairy tale. His eyes, to her, were mythical. The infusion of pure gold into sea blue made her head swim when they were directed toward her. But today, in the afternoon rain rays, filled with the emotion she'd _known_ was there, but had never let her self consider possible – they were, they were her new water spot. Her salvation in the drama of teenage life. And if she was being completely realistic, her only stronghold in this war.

It's almost impossible to describe the emotions James felt, as he scanned down the length of her body. Checking head to toe for injuries with his eyes. Her swollen face was more than an assailment of tears, it was one of fists. This entirely broke his heart. He was too young to believe in love, especially the love that could save the world, but he did know one thing: his life would be forever altered, for the worse, without this petite redhead. And that fact alone brought him to his knees and his heart clenched.

And his eyes shown with a passion and fire.

But eventually, James did succeed in getting Lily to the infirmary. And they left the dorm, closing the window and silencing the worry in their hearts as they tread into common room.

"Your socks are ridiculous." James mumbled as he held Lily's hand in his own. She'd grabbed her mary-janes but had yet to throw them on, rather she held them loosely in her free hand. Her socks, green with cartoon giraffes, padded softly down the corridor; her toes free to wiggle.

Lily chuckled, and moved to ram his hip with hers. They moved up the staircases and through the hallways, finally meeting the doors of the infirmary. Lily kissed James and tread between them alone.

* * *

><p>"So this is serious?" Kerr Monaghan questioned. His dress was unkempt and one wondered where his wits had gone as he confronted James Potter that same evening. James, to his credit, took his tall housemate in stride.<p>

"For me it is." And for Lily it is too, he thought.

"Yeah, that's what I gathered, too." Kerr seemed to understand James' unspoken statement.

"Being rogue means I don't have to give a shit." James mumbled, gazing into the fire.

"Yet everyone seems to think you're never a hair out of line."

"Bullshit."

"The curse of a closed society?" Kerr sneered. The boys exchanged a glance of knowing. It was quiet that night. The common room was unnaturally empty, perhaps because the rains had brought about an early feeling of winter and most wanted to cozy up in their dorms. James had been situated near the fire since after dinner. One he'd spent with his dorm mates, glancing toward the hall's entrance periodically. Lily had never shown up. In fact, she had yet to grace the Gryffindor tower with her presence. He assumed that Madam Pomfrey had kept her overnight and was glad for it.

"She never really told me what happened-" James began, cutting himself off mid-thought; he wasn't sure if he wanted to know what really had occurred. He wasn't sure he'd be able to forgive those involved. Kerr's jaw clenched as he leaned his arms to rest on his knees. Hands gripped tightly in a fist.

"She passed her damn apparation test, so I thought we should celebrate. You know how nervous she was," James shook his head; a small curve to his lips indicated his obvious closeness with the topic. "So we ended up in Hogsmeade; in the middle of a Hufflepuff celebration party. Damn puffs."

The fire crackled and hissed, making a dramatic display of dying.

"You know the way of it. Female cruelty and the like. I guess it started in the bathroom – go figure. She came back to our table with the bloody lip and nose and I, God James, I didn't know what came over me. I just started yelling, pulling her close to me and yelling. Then the whole pub got involved," Kerr's head dropped fully into his hands. "I lost her; I was so mad, I didn't realize when the girls had made it their mission to get at her."

James stared coldly into the embers. Eyes black with a surge of hatred for the boy seated next to him.

"You know, in America, his happened about ten, twenty years ago. All the African Americans began to really protest their position in society. It got bad. Birmingham bombing – Mississippi burnings, peaceful demonstrations turned to death mobs. Whatever is happening here, it's only gonna get worse." Kerr muttered, leaning back into the cushions of the couch. James turned his gaze to the boy on his left. Leaning into the couch, but every inch was protesting this careful attempt at peace.

"I think I'm only making it worse." James spoke. His voice echoed into the night. "There must be something wrong with me that I persist in this relationship. If I wasn't flouting the fact that we're so controversial, people would be less hostile. I believe."

"Thought you were too rogue to care?" Kerr questioned. James chuckled. _Oh yeah, that façade. _James nodded with consent, but his sigh told otherwise.

"No one will ever touch me. But her – " He choked off the rest. His lungs constricted and he could feel his heartbeat in his temple.

"Guilty by association? Fuck Potter, thought you'd have more redeeming qualities than a packed bank vault." Kerr sneered, sarcasm and truth mixing. "From what I see, you've got some clout here, here in this society."

"I've got my demons." James' voice was so low, Kerr wasn't sure he'd heard correctly.

"They'd still find a reason to hate her, even without you."

"We're combustible. A fucking time bomb."

"Potter, I think… It's your… don't… don't be a fucking masochist. There's no reason for this."

James listened for the porthole for hours before finally deciding she wasn't returning. He nodded a goodnight to Kerr and tread up to his dorm. There was just so much to consider.

He needed a break from it all.


	4. Chapter 4

Little Talks (of Monsters and Men)

"There's an old voice in my head  
>that's holding me back<br>Well tell her that I miss our little talks.

Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.  
>Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear."<p>

* * *

><p>The rain didn't let up, instead the days turned into a spread of grayness where the only indication of time's passage was the interval darkness. Trekking across campus proved to be near suicidal for many as the wind increased with each passing day. The grass uprooting and dirt turning into bogs. The dampness seemed to fill every crevice of the building and the air was turning sour. Lily constantly wore her sweaters, clutching her elbows in class and hugging them close. It felt like a constant storm had been sitting atop them for days, a ravaging that refused to let up. He knew it wasn't so and there was sure to be an end in sight soon. He only needed to wait it out.<p>

That seemed to be his constant line of thought these days, 'waiting it out'. Just like you wait for the pain to stop hurting behind a bruise and the color to change from blue to green and yellow; for the cuts to scab and eventually scar. Waiting was perhaps the hardest thing he'd ever done. To sit next to Lily in class every day and watch her battered body perform its usual tasks with discomfort and a coldness he wasn't used to. He didn't want to think that she'd shut down or turned off some emotion, but apathy seemed to be creeping into her expressions and it was only a matter of time before it entered their conversations too. She glared as she passed the girls responsible, angry at the justice system for deeming the case 'circumstantial'. He wasn't aware she could be so quiet and reserved. He missed her smile and spark, the music constantly blaring out of her room and in her headphones. He wanted to shake her and get rid of the numbness that had settled into her bones, like the dampness from this relentless rain had settled into his.

Two weeks wasn't enough time for her bruises to disappear nor did it heal her broken bones. But it was enough time for the rumor mill to move on to a new victim. Someone with a past almost as lavish as James' – someone else who had turned their nose at convention. It was a warning, James knew, that his indiscretions would not take a blind eye. Despite the warning, James would not take heed. Instead he committed to spending more time with Lily, between classes he'd walk with her, running through the mud or tucking low in the library, hidden and warm. They spent their meals in the kitchens, eating whatever leftovers the house elves had. It was nice; it was personal – like a little vacation away from the raging crowds of hormonal teenagers.

But it wasn't a vacation. And Lily wasn't keen on him becoming akin to glue. She sighed a lot when he sidled up to her, tucking his arm around her waist and grabbing her books. She rolled her eyes as his hands found her hair during class. Worse, she'd refused to look him in the eye when they spoke for fear he would see her true thoughts. See that she was beginning to crack, the strain of keeping up their relationship was arduous and too much for her plate. The stones she'd packed on over Christmas were gone and she couldn't force herself to eat any more than she could force herself to sleep.

The limelight had lived up to its name: she indeed did have lime colored bruises to show for it.

She wasn't one to judge who dated whom and why some people chose to remain in relationships that continued to hurt them, but she knew that it wasn't what she wanted. Sure, James had never laid a hand against her, nor even a look, but his presence and his position in society made up for that. How was she being fair to him if he too, had to constantly watch his back? When was the last time he genuinely smiled? Could spend a night stag with his mates? It wasn't right, this wasn't normal and in the end, this wasn't how it had to be.

Truly. She was just being selfish.

She had had enough rough patches in life to understand when she had something good. Something extraordinary, to be frank. But how do you justify love when it hurts everyone else? It felt like the antithesis. Hidden love, subterfuge, revolution! It was for the books, not for a girl who had too much pain to being with. This wasn't a Shakespeare life she lived, that was a joke. Lily shook her head, a sad smile on her face; James noticed.

"Alright Lily?" James muttered, looking at Lily seated across the table from him. He'd looked up from his maths work to find her shaking her head and grinning. It seemed a rare sight these days, Lily's smile, and it made James happy to see it now.

She glanced up, her green eyes finding his and her smile grew wider. She licked her lips and reached for her tea. James followed her movements, his eyes staying on her lips. He leaned slowing, closing the distance and found purchase on her lips. They were sweet and milky; no doubt a compliment of her tea. Her hand came up around the back of his neck and wound into his hair. Holding him close. They broke away, but not before James treated her forehead with a peck. His hands took her cheeks and he held her there, gazing into the green pools. Her lips were parted, waiting and sultry rose. Her cheeks were flushed, hiding a few of her softer freckles on her nose and cheeks. His lips in turn formed a lopsided grin matching the twinkling of his eyes.

"Missed you." He whispered, smoothing the lingering bruise on her temple. Her eyes flickered toward his hand, but in the end fell closed. They broke apart after James memorized her face once more. The release of his hands brought a sudden chill to Lily. She shivered, finding it hard to open her eyes. When she did, James was still there.

"I'm sorry." Lily mouthed, a sullen smile tugging at her lips. James nodded but didn't seem to understand their impact. "I'm sorry for this mess. For making everything so tense—"

"Forget it, Lily." James returned, not interested in her apologies. "I think I've come to realize that life is too short for this shit."

Lily grew quiet, the words on her lips dying in her throat. Perhaps he, too, understood?

"I spoke with Kerr. He's a right bastard. But he knows his shit, Evs." James glanced around the room, searching for an object to distract him. He did not want to have this conversation. But he knew that if they didn't have it, he would lose it.

"I haven't done enough. I've sat back and played the martyr and I—I've. Fuck." James found her face. Her eyes were diverted, focused out the window behind him. Her jaw clenched. "I made it worse because I _let_ things happen. I enjoyed the feeling of it, of us fighting to be together."

She looked at him, her heart hurt. It had moved up into her throat. She couldn't survive with it there.

"I'm supposed to know what the hell I'm doing, not dragging you down too." James added. She made a grab for his hand, when they connected their grasp was weak. "I let you fight my battles."

"I've always been a fighter. That's why this," She motioned between the two of them. "works. Why we've made it so far. You're –- I'm stubborn." There was a silence then that gnawed at his soul. She wasn't making this easy. After some time, she tightened her grip on him and pulled him out of his reverie.

"How—?" Her throat clenched, not allowing the words to come. _How can we continue? How can you be you and me be me? … I want to end this. _What she couldn't say was screaming inside her head. Over and over again. She jerked with realization and let out a sob. "You can't be you…" she finally released. There, now his eyes connected with hers. "I want you to be James Potter and be, fuck, be all that you are. I'm a fucking dead weight." Lily wanted to choke. She wanted to vomit. She wanted to die.

James narrowed his eyes, finding things suddenly quite clear and shiny. The moisture in his eyes limited his view. "No. God, no." he whispered, crushing her hand in his. "No." He wasn't understanding her desperation.

"Fine." Lily muttered, struggling to keep her eyes on his. "I deserve better." Her tone was bitter and mean. His eyebrows rose into his bangs, obscuring them from view.

"Excuse- what? Excuse me?" His hands slipped from hers, grappling with the air. Suddenly so empty and cold. "What the fuck?"

"This is love, we have that. We _did_ find it. I know it. But now, right now – we can't have it." Emotionless.

"Why not?"

"James, listen to me." Now she pled, but why? She didn't even understand.

"No, you listen to me Evans. I'm playing the game now. I want to fight."

"You shouldn't have to." She was reaching now.

"Bullshit, I will. Lily, there's no me without you. So fuck you." He grabbed for her hand. This wasn't going to end here, he'd be damned if it did. How did this get so out of control!

Lily couldn't speak. She hadn't meant to go this far. She hadn't meant to give in to the opposition. To really suggest they end it, to give him up. Her voice was gone, her free hand covering her mouth as she played over and over his last words. She'd never really taken the time to understand him and his _love._ Yet, she played the scenarios in her mind, how to continue walking the halls hand in hand. How to justify the life they led and the treatment they received. She turned it over and over in her mind, but the conclusion kept coming up the same: they were children playing in an adult's world, a world that was vicious, cold and completely separate.

"This is a mistake." She whispered behind her hand. His response should have scared her, but all she felt was a slight release of the heart in her throat. His eyes glared into her soul.

"I'll do anything. We can make this work, it's just another few months until we graduate. Then we'll move in together, get married! They can't touch you then, you'll be one of us." His eyes burned in his face, he truly believed every word he spoke. She wanted to believe it. Oh, how she wanted to believe that life wouldn't be an uphill battle. In all the hell, she knew he believed himself. Maybe that's all that mattered.

But,

She shouldn't have let it get this far.

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><p>.comlittle_talks_lyrics_of_monsters_and_


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